Taking the Leap

Have you ever felt like your life is moving in slow motion. You are watching life go by through the lens of an ice cube. Things are skewed, something doesn’t seem right, but you can’t put your finger on it. day in and day out you wake up with that same heavy sluggish feeling. The one you can’t shake, but you carry it with you everywhere you go. You’ve learned to mask your emotions so well, that you don’t even realize you do it all day long. You smile when asked how are you doing, you say a joke or two, but deep down inside, in the raw part of your soul something is missing. I am sure that I’m not the only one.

The loss of My Sister has really made me look at myself, how I feel, what makes me happy, what doesn’t. I’ve been working hard to identify what it is that makes me shine again. I’m not broken, I’m not crazy, I’m evolving, I’m growing, I’m becoming. Becoming the best version of me. Re-shifting the balance. Refocusing on things that make me, ME.

I guess you can call it back to basics. What brought me joy when I was younger? Which people bring out the best in me? What activities made me feel free and alive.

It’s been a crazy wild ride. Navigating life through grief but most of all having the opportunity to really figure out what it is that I’ve lost through the years of just doing and not living. I started working full-time at the age of 17, 37 years in the same industry and I’ve never done anything else. I’ve done what’s been expected. Don’t make waves, do your job, hope that your work ethic and drive will be enough to be recognized but it never happens. I won’t say it’s been wasted years, but I will say that I have not been the captain of my own career. I let my ship be dictated by the waves of the sea, other people's views and opinions of me. I regret not speaking up more, not being my own advocate and not pushing harder to be noticed. I can’t blame anyone else but me. No one will respect you, honor you and fight for you more than you do for yourself. You shouldn’t wait for your dreams to be fulfilled if you haven’t released them loudly into the world. I realized that with each year that I didn’t get a promotion, it chipped away at my self-esteem. I’m not good enough, I have to try harder, others are smarter than me. All lies, untruths that we tell ourselves repeatedly. I lost my self-confidence to speak up for what I deserve, my desires with my career and life in general for what I truly want. I shoved it down, kept quiet and became “Fred the Baker”. Time to make the donuts guy from the Dunkin’ Donuts commercial.

My day to day to became a routine. Robotic motions for years to come. I live a great life and yet there is always something missing. I’m missing. I know who I am at work, at home, with my family, with my friends but I forgot who I was. Likes, dislikes, things that again make me, ME. When Roz passed away the flood gates opened. I was lost in the middle of nowhere with no navigation and in the dark. It was a rough several months at first but then the climb out of the abyss has been fulfilling and rewarding.

Hard not easy but definitely leaps and strides from where I was. I’ve set boundaries, things that bother me, make me feel uncomfortable, things that made me change who I was at my core. Things I will no longer tolerate. It’s been liberating. It’s been difficult for others as they have been the ones benefiting since they had no regard to how I felt. Well now they know. Boundaries need to be set to protect you from things that you no longer want to deal with. Others will either honor your boundaries or they will complain, stay firm, this is for you and your needs, not theirs. I’ve been very vocal on what serves me and what no longer serves me. If it doesn’t bring joy to my soul, I don’t need to hear it, or be a part of.

I’m coming out of hermit mode and entering Hello World mode. I’ve had the same job for several years and I have not been happy for quite some time. I convinced myself for years that even though I’ve been miserable it was still better than what others have.

But how do I really know that?

I let fear and comfort dictate my life. I learned many lessons as I watched My Sister battle ALS for 7 years. You need to have faith over fear. Do it anyway. You only have one life to live. Tomorrow is never promised. Do the things that bring you joy. Tell the ones you love just how much you love them. Take care of your body as it’s the only body you’ll ever live in. Take the leap and don‘t look back! So after 25 years in this one division of the company, 17 years in the same department, I took the leap 2 years ago and I accepted a new job offer. I will shine and be my own voice. I will never carry the old weight of what if’s, what could have been, what should have been. I carried the weight of regrets for far too long. Now it’s time for me to act, be bold, be happy, and finally be the best version of me possible. All because I took the leap. What’s holding you back in your life? What are the things you wish you could do or be? Take the leap, you won’t regret it. The heaviest burden to carry is knowing that you did nothing.

Love you all. Let’s shine brightly in the new version of you!